With Apologies To Alfred Kinsey
by BarthVader
Summary: Marie tries to react maturely to Edd and Kevin going on a date. Safe for work, ABSOLUTELY SAFE FOR WORK. No triggers. Readable for both Kevedd shippers and haters.


**The description mocks the summary of JuneSummers' "The Prestigious and Highly-Efficient Academy of Alter Waters." and people who brag (not inform, _brag_) about triggers in their Kevedd fics.**

**POOTISCLAIMER HERE.**

**I don't own EEnE. I own a crappy laptop with a broken battery on which this was written.**

**Dedicated to every LGBT person insulted by badly-written yaoi fics. And hi Jamie.**

It was a normal summer evening. The red sun was hiding behind the horizon, the sky was devoid of clouds and the breeze gently blew on the face of a sixteen-year-old boy.

He was wearing a red shirt, purple knee-long shorts, red socks and blue running shoes. His head was covered by a black ski hat, from underneath which stuck a few strands of blonde hair.

He was returning from a date. With another boy.

Recently he and Kevin, not knowing about each other's plans, had both decided to come out as bisexual. After the initial surprise the jock asked him out. As he put it himself: 'Why not? You're smart, polite, a little bit of a whiner, but hey, everybody has flaws'. Edd agreed out of curiosity rather than anything else.

The date ended up quite well. They didn't attract anyone's attention, mostly because Edd looks like a girl, so they had enough time to chat about life, their outlooks on it and how the pizzeria waiter should be fired for being rude. While it hadn't been a huge success, they both enjoyed it, or so our protagonist thought.

Edd was thinking whether Kevin is the right sort of person for him. On one hand, being the confident athlete and a party animal, he was complete opposite of him. On the other, during their shared meal he appeared to be a good man, with a well-defined moral code (that aspect of him improved a lot since three-four years earlier) and with a few shared interests, mostly related to machinery.

Deep in thought, the boy unlocked the door of his house, entered...

"Oh, you're finally back. How was the date with that jock, what's-his-name?"

...and almost died of a heart attack.

In the room, leaning against the wall stood a girl. She wore a black tank top, dark green pants with a mismatched pink belt, and black running shoes. Her hair was dark blue and a fringe covered her right eye.

"W-w-w-w..." he tried to say, 'Why, hello, Marie, what a surprise to see you here.', but was too scared to actually spit anything out.

She stepped forward. The boy tried to back up, but hit a wall. The girl grabbed his wrist.

"We need to talk."

Marie dragged the boy to the dining room. Then, she sat him down near the table.

"Wait here a sec."

She left the room, leaving the boy alone with his thoughts. Mostly going around the topic of quick and painless suicide methods. Whatever Marie prepared for him, wouldn't be pleasant. His mind projected a few worst-case scenarios. He decided to close his eyes and wait for the merciless girl to return with the instruments of torture.

After a minute or so, he heard the footsteps, marking the return of the unwanted guest. Judging by the sound, she put three objects on the table and sat on the chair.

"Double D..." she said.

_I don't want to look_, he thought. He didn't react.

"Double D." she repeated, more firmly than the last time.

The boy began to shake a bit.

"Eddward." Marie was annoyed. He decided to answer her so as to not increase her wrath.

"W-w-what?"

"Could you please quit having a panic party and _open your fucking eyes_?"

The boy did as ordered, to notice the girl sitting opposite him, with a bottle of coke and two glasses standing next to her.

"Now look." she grabbed a bottle. "This is an unopened bottle of coke. I am opening it now." she said slowly, unscrewing the cap. "Now, I'm pouring it to the glasses." She did so and took a sip from both of them. "I drank from both. Neither drink is poisoned nor spiked nor tampered in any other way. Is it enough, or am I supposed to chain myself to a fucking radiator and eat the key to have a normal discussion with you?"

"I-it's enough." Edd stammered, but stopped shaking.

Marie put one of the glasses in front of the boy. He took a sip.

"So, in short: I don't mind you and the jock dating."

Cue spit take on the boy's part.

"I'm not happy with that." she added. "I'm probably going to break a few planks in the ol' fence and eat a few gallons of ice cream while watching horrors and stuff, but I can deal with it."

Edd looked at her, amazed.

"What? Surprised that this trailer trash trollop can behave like a mature human being for once?" she spat.

"T-truth be told, yes."

Marie groaned.

"Look," she started, "I'm not a homophobe. I have nothing against gay..."

"Bisexual."

The girl raised her eyebrow.

"Um, what?"

Edd sighed.

"Bisexual. It's an adjective describing a person who is sexually attracted to both males and females."

The girl looked at him with curiosity.

"Does it mean I, from a, you know, purely technical point of view, still have a chance?" she asked.

"If I say yes, will you go to Kevin's house and beat him up?"

"Hell no." she reassured. "I mean, that thing on the school dance in junior high school was quite dumb in retrospect."

"That's an understatement." Edd muttered, marking the point when he fully regained his confidence.

"Anyway, back on topic," Marie went on, "I respect you a bit, Double D. A little bit, for a few reasons. Anyone with your skills would've blow me up with a pipebomb, for starters. And now, when you've admitted that you're gay..."

"Bisexual." the boy corrected her.

"Whatever, not straight. I mean, that takes balls." she said. "I still remember that one situation when I hugged Lee in public. A normal, non-erotic, sister-sister hug. Then some asshat throws hot coffee at us and starts shouting how we will burn in hell." She threw her hands up in the air. "Really?"

Edd was listening her with curiosity.

"I mean, why should I even bother with what someone likes slash will like in bed?" she asked rhetorically. "It's not my business. I mean, a bisexual nice guy is better than a straight bitch, isn't it?. And yes, that was a self-jab."

"You surprise me." the boy said.

"But some people" she continued, "really believe that someone's value as a human being depends on whether he likes the D or not. I'm not one of that people. It's below my standards. And that's saying something."

She moved her fringe, revealing her right eye and a scar going vertically down her face and looked straight into Edd's eyes.

"You are a great guy, straight or not, and I'm going to do something for you. From now on, no forced make-outs, no double entendres, no stupid jokes, nothing on my part." she counted, showing a finger for every point on the list. "I don't believe you will stay long enough in this relationship, but I'm not going to interrupt you two." She outstretched her hand. "Ceasefire?"

Edd shook her hand.

"Kevin and I aren't in a relationship yet. Nevertheless, I would like you to know that I really appreciate that. That's... very nice of you."

"Not a problem." Marie replied with a faint smile. "All right, I gotta go. I need to do one more thing before my sundae therapy."

She downed her glass of coke and stood up.

"See ya later, faggot." she said, jokingly.

"It's bi-, oh whatever. Good night." Edd dismissed his guest.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Kevin's house, the boy himself, wearing a green long-sleeved shirt and black shorts, was watching TV, thinking about the date as well. He was content with it, and began to consider arranging another one.

Somebody ringed the doorbell. "Who the hell could that be?" he muttered.

He stood up, walked to the door and opened it, to see the blue-haired girl standing on his doorstep, her hands hidden in pockets.

"'Sup." Marie greeted him.

The jock shivered a little bit. "What the hell do you want?"

"Just to announce something." she said calmly. "I really don't mind you and Double D dating, I'm not going to make him or you break up, but..."

She grabbed the jock by the collar and moved his face closer to hers, looking him straight in the eye. With another hand, she pulled a switchblade, unsheathed it and put it near his throat.

"...if you will ever _dare _to hurt him," she went on, her voice becoming harsher, "I'm going to cut your fucking balls off. _Is that clear enough?_"

"Y-y-yes." he stammered.

"Good."

She released him, hid the knife and grabbed the doorknob.

"Nightie-night."

She left, slamming the door behind herself, leaving behind utterly confused Kevin.

**It seems Edd/Kevin fics (or at least the ones written recently) have to contain: at least one sex scene, overly angsty backstories, blatant OOC, designated heroes and villains, and more triggers than a revolver factory. So I decided to write a fic that has Kevedd and neither of those things. Fangirls, eat your heart out.**

**If reviewing, tell me please whether Edd and Kevin are in-character. Marie probably isn't, but her canon personality is nonexistent, beyond "screw the Eds, figuratively or not", so it's an acceptable break, I guess.**

**And I apologize everyone who was insulted by how the author's notes sounded earlier.**


End file.
